Is the Green Eyed Monster Eating You Alive?
By Kelli Calabrese
Does the site of a good looking guy or gal in an expensive automobile wearing all of the right clothes, on their in shape body sporting a watch filled with diamonds as they pull up to the valet parking at the most expensive restaurant in town change your physiology?
I have had employees, friends and even family members who do wrestle with jealously and I have watched it destroy relationships, rob people of happiness and at the very least leave people feeling inferior, angry, upset and confused. Jealousy stems from a combination of fear of losing something and also from anger that someone is moving in on something you feel entitled to.
I remember hiring a trainer named Scott (not his real name). Scott and I were in the exercise science program at Rutgers and earned the title of Mr. Rutgers in the College’s body building contest. Not only was Scott a well proportioned body builder, but he was good looking, had the greatest smile, perfect complexion, was friendly, was approachable, smart, walked the walk, was a sharp dresser and was ambitious.
Those were among the many reasons I hired him to work on my personal training team after we graduated. I loved that he had all of those qualities. The other trainers on the other hand saw Scott as a threat. Within 6 weeks Scott was totally booked with clients. The women were flocking to him and even the men aspired to working with Scott. The sales people loved Scott because he could close any prospect they sent his way. Some of the trainers embraced Scott, but others began to let Scott affect them in a negative way. They would say things like, “Why does Scott get all of the clients? How did Scott get booked so fast?” Why does he get to train the owners (my partners) wife?”
The responses of the jealous trainers were both fear and anger based. They saw Scott as potentially making them look bad, taking clients from them, taking money out of their pockets and being the center of attention as he began training clients for contests (something that have never been done in our family gym) and further winning more titles himself. Scott’s career was flourishing when others were stagnant.
If you find you have been bitten by the green-eyed monster, use jealousy as an alert to what you want and what is important to you. If you’re jealous of someone opening a studio before you or getting on the front page of the paper or purchasing the newest equipment or having a larger boot camp at a better location, ask yourself, “What is making me jealous”? “Why do I feel entitled to that”? “Why do I feel threatened by him or her”? When you begin to understand what makes you jealous, you can begin to take positive steps to maintain jealous thoughts and even turn them around to inspire you, motivate you or simply congratulate the person and move on without the cloud of negative emotion that accompanies jealousy.
In Be Better, Phil describes FEAR as a false evidence appearing real. That would mean that if your jealousy stems from fear, there are probably some false beliefs attached to it. If false beliefs are fueling your emotions, in examining the belief, you can often eliminate the jealousy. It’s more likely than not that the jealousy the trainers had toward Scott was because of their own fears of inadequacy, or maybe it was their procrastination, shyness, laziness, sloppiness, or incompetence.
As a Be Betterite, you know that beliefs are changeable. If you change your belief, you change the way you feel. Choose to tell yourself a belief that is nurturing and supportive, and you’ll feel better. When you begin taking steps to creating a happy and fulfilling life for yourself, you will find the anger, the jealousy, and the fear will disappear.
Maybe you have outgrown jealousy, maybe you see it in your young kids as they are still maturing in their sense of security or maybe you still deal with it today. One communication from your college roommate who seems to have the perfect life may throw you into a tail spin. If you wish you had the life of another with an abundance of money, a more attractive spouse, a highly respected career and a supportive family, you are living with the fears and angers associated with jealousy. If you are jealous of a clients vacations, jewelry, new car or home on in the islands, re-evaluate what’s important to you and were your responsibility lies in achieving it.
Jealousy leads to power struggles with yourself and the person you are jealous of (even if they are not aware of it). Jealousy disappears when you truly love yourself and others for whatever experience you’re having. When you learn to be happy and thankful for your life and what you have, coveting others will no longer be an issue. Jealously is a tremendous waist of resources. Continue to strive for betterment by improving your security in your self esteem. As a Be Betterite you realize that you have the potential to create a better future and a better today.
There is nothing wrong with thinking that you might like to have the experience another person has had, but don’t put them down for it. When you can be happy for another person's success and happiness, you allow positive feelings to flow into your life.